I have an adoration for the sky. It makes me feel things. I'm not exactly sure how to explain what it makes me feel; I just know that it makes me feel.
The sky was beautiful last night. The sun was setting and there were colored clouds everywhere. In the east, they were purple and pink, highlighted by the blue sky. The closer to the sun they got, the more orange and red they became.
I felt as though the sun was piercing through my soul with this warm light, straight through my chest. It was as though it and I were connected.
I feel things very intensely, but in the last few years, I've felt more intense feelings or sadness, fear, and anger than I have of more positive feelings. Yes, I do feel happiness at times, but I also feel negative feelings regularly. I think the main reason for this is the fact that I have a mental illness that very negatively affects my life and how I perceive things.
But the sun made me feel, not happiness, exactly, but it just made me feel human again. It was a reminder that I am not some sad, terrified, sometimes unreal creature sentenced to a life of misery. It's okay to feel those things, but it was a reminder that life goes on. Things get better. All of those cliche sayings that are actually true. I'm allowed to feel sadness, anger, and fear, but those aren't the only things in my life to concentrate on. I think that true happiness starts within oneself, and one day I'd like to achieve a fuller feeling of acceptance with my life. I've been feeling a lot of "why me?!" this year, and general negativity surrounding my self image. I want to work through that. I want to feel satisfied with my life, even if it means living with a mental illness that may never go away.
And I think part of that process is starting to feel human again.
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