Going to Mass: Being on the Fence of a Journey I've Already Started

I went to Mass with Ryan today. I have mixed feelings about the experience.

It was overall a well organized Mass. Everything flowed smoothly. The music was nice, although the sermon was long and kind of boring with some humor mixed in. It was one of those sermons that was well-thought out, but all I remember from it is something about wheat being more substantial than rice. It didn't impact me in any way, and based on the dozing adults around me, that seemed to be a common thing. Perhaps I just wasn't listening hard enough. But where is the line between searching so much for something that I find nothing and waiting for the message to find me? It was a nice Mass, but I didn't feel home there like I do when I go to my family's church.

I feel like I'm searching so hard for someone to be there to take care of me. Someone safe. Someone that can embrace all of me in one hug and shield me from the horrors of the world.

After thinking about this and thinking back on experiences that I've had in my life, I think this comes down to a trust--and in some ways, control--issue. I am a person to trust easily, but once my trust is broken, it is hard to regain. For me, a journey back to Christianity is definitely a possible thing, but it's going to take a long time and a lot of work and a lot of baby steps. I'm having to start over completely with a relationship that I broke off long ago. I feel like a dog that has been abused and beaten, When presented with help, the dog desperately wants the food that is being presented, but distrusts the hand that holds it. I am afraid of being let down again, of being hurt again, of being alone again. I am afraid to believe in someone that may not even be real. There's the argument that if it's not going to hurt anyone, then does it really matter? But I don't want to invest my life in a sand castle, that will disappear with water.

I think the first baby step to journeying back to Christianity is coming to terms with the idea that there is a God. I don't know Him yet and we haven't spoken, but that's all in good time. I don't want to rush this process, because that will only result in disaster. I need to take it one step at a time. This is not only a learning to trust process; it's a healing process. It's taking all of my leftover hurt from the past, and letting it heal.

Honestly, I'm still on the fence about this entire process. Do I really want to go this route? I don't know yet. But a part of me just feels so empty and afraid.

I need to try.