I want to talk about God. But there's not much new to say.
I haven't been spending a lot of time thinking about him because I've been struggling, but I'm getting better now, so time to focus on finding him again, right?
It's hard to see him in places where I keep seeing shadows and demons and ghosts and generally negative things. It's hard to feel at peace when I know that my life is not peaceful. There are parts of my life that are very scary. Where has God been for me in all of this? Has he been there at all?
I feel uncomfortable praying, because every time I try I start hearing him or Mary or angels speaking to me and I know they're not real. My prayers and intentions may very well be real, but the responses cannot be. They are often not kind responses. I try to search for him within the madness, but I find only ashes.
I started a journal, a sort of lectio divina. I read the readings for today on the Laudate app and write about how it makes me feel or what I think about it.
I've only written once, but it was nice. I felt like I was on the right track. One of these days I will type up what I wrote about and post it, but not tonight. I'm too tired. It's probably not that revolutionary, anyway.
My aunt and I are going to start reading a book about prayer together and discuss it. I need to order it tonight. My goal is to make a little bit of time every day, or every other day, if need be, to read and think. Perhaps I should start a reading journal. I'm so forgetful nowadays.
Perhaps one day I will find God in the ashes of my life and maybe one day we will fall in love with each other again.
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