Mentally Ill Presents: Some Kind of Week

I've had kind of a week. It wasn't decidedly bad or good or even weird. It was just a week with a mix of those things.

My medication situation isn't where it should be right now. I ran out of refills for one of my medicines a few weeks ago (I haven't had it since August 23rd). My doctor's office doesn't accept patients calling about refills; it has to be their pharmacy. They are very adamant about this. I have contacted my pharmacy several times about the matter, but still no refill. I have an appointment to see my doctor in a week and a half, but that's another week and a half without my medicine.

I'm doing okay. I'm having nightly nightmares again and am more anxious and paranoid than usual, plus some hallucinations. However, it's nothing I can't handle. I've dealt with much worse.

My general mood is a little shaky. Sometimes I'm fine, but then the next minute I'm not.

I almost had a panic attack two days ago. I was sitting on the couch and suddenly I couldn't breathe and it felt like my chest was crushing my lungs, it was so tight. I went to the bathroom and sat in the bathtub for a few minutes. Ryan came to check on me and I just started crying. I had been all over the place all day; one minute I was fine, the next I was about ready to kill myself.

I have to refill my other medicines soon, too.

I hate living a life dependent on the cooperation of money, pharmacies, doctors, therapists, and medicine. But I need it right now, so I'll just have to deal with it.

Dreaming Presents: Something A Little Too Close To Home

I was dreaming. Obviously.

I was trying to sleep. Desi was whining from the living room. I slept and dreamed about someone close to me explaining to me why rape was okay and trying to convince me that I had "come so far" and that I shouldn't let this set me back.

I woke up from my dream in my dream. Ryan was at work. I felt terrible. I started hallucinating The Woman. I walked down to the leasing office in my apartment complex that, in my dream, was the K-8 school I'm currently placed at for field experience. I tried to eat an apple because I was hungry, but I couldn't force myself to eat. I threw the apple away. There were kids everywhere saying all kinds of things. Much of it wasn't kind.

I found myself very overwhelmed and walked back to my apartment. I started to feel like I couldn't breathe, so I went and sat in the closet, trying to feel safe.

It didn't help.

The walls closed in on me. I panicked. I couldn't leave the closet; The Woman was there. I started to cry, but the tears choked in my throat. I swallowed, then took a huge breath. Three shallow breaths. Hyperventilating. A huge breath. Small breaths. Hyperventilating. Tears. Over and over and over and over and over.

I heard Ryan come home, but he didn't hear me. He thought I was gone somewhere else. I couldn't move. The Woman threatened me. I couldn't breathe.

I woke up hyperventilating.