Something of a Spiritual Update?

I want to talk about God. But there's not much new to say.

I haven't been spending a lot of time thinking about him because I've been struggling, but I'm getting better now, so time to focus on finding him again, right?

It's hard to see him in places where I keep seeing shadows and demons and ghosts and generally negative things. It's hard to feel at peace when I know that my life is not peaceful. There are parts of my life that are very scary. Where has God been for me in all of this? Has he been there at all?

I feel uncomfortable praying, because every time I try I start hearing him or Mary or angels speaking to me and I know they're not real. My prayers and intentions may very well be real, but the responses cannot be. They are often not kind responses. I try to search for him within the madness, but I find only ashes.

I started a journal, a sort of lectio divina. I read the readings for today on the Laudate app and write about how it makes me feel or what I think about it.

I've only written once, but it was nice. I felt like I was on the right track. One of these days I will type up what I wrote about and post it, but not tonight. I'm too tired. It's probably not that revolutionary, anyway.

My aunt and I are going to start reading a book about prayer together and discuss it. I need to order it tonight. My goal is to make a little bit of time every day, or every other day, if need be, to read and think. Perhaps I should start a reading journal. I'm so forgetful nowadays.

Perhaps one day I will find God in the ashes of my life and maybe one day we will fall in love with each other again.

Going to Mass: Being on the Fence of a Journey I've Already Started

I went to Mass with Ryan today. I have mixed feelings about the experience.

It was overall a well organized Mass. Everything flowed smoothly. The music was nice, although the sermon was long and kind of boring with some humor mixed in. It was one of those sermons that was well-thought out, but all I remember from it is something about wheat being more substantial than rice. It didn't impact me in any way, and based on the dozing adults around me, that seemed to be a common thing. Perhaps I just wasn't listening hard enough. But where is the line between searching so much for something that I find nothing and waiting for the message to find me? It was a nice Mass, but I didn't feel home there like I do when I go to my family's church.

I feel like I'm searching so hard for someone to be there to take care of me. Someone safe. Someone that can embrace all of me in one hug and shield me from the horrors of the world.

After thinking about this and thinking back on experiences that I've had in my life, I think this comes down to a trust--and in some ways, control--issue. I am a person to trust easily, but once my trust is broken, it is hard to regain. For me, a journey back to Christianity is definitely a possible thing, but it's going to take a long time and a lot of work and a lot of baby steps. I'm having to start over completely with a relationship that I broke off long ago. I feel like a dog that has been abused and beaten, When presented with help, the dog desperately wants the food that is being presented, but distrusts the hand that holds it. I am afraid of being let down again, of being hurt again, of being alone again. I am afraid to believe in someone that may not even be real. There's the argument that if it's not going to hurt anyone, then does it really matter? But I don't want to invest my life in a sand castle, that will disappear with water.

I think the first baby step to journeying back to Christianity is coming to terms with the idea that there is a God. I don't know Him yet and we haven't spoken, but that's all in good time. I don't want to rush this process, because that will only result in disaster. I need to take it one step at a time. This is not only a learning to trust process; it's a healing process. It's taking all of my leftover hurt from the past, and letting it heal.

Honestly, I'm still on the fence about this entire process. Do I really want to go this route? I don't know yet. But a part of me just feels so empty and afraid.

I need to try.

Searching: A Confession

I left the Catholic church when I was a senior in high school. I felt alone and empty, and having battled depression and hallucinations (although, at the time I didnt know I was hallucinating) since I was about 14, I was tired of the endless battle of one step forward, three steps back. I gave up on God and religion.

I remember driving home one day in October I think, crying in the driver's seat because I was so tired of feeling defeated. I finally just admitted that I'd had enough and cut off my struggling relationship with God.

I fell into a lifestyle that was still spiritual, but not religious. Once I went to college, I stopped going to Church. I still held the basic values I had grown up with (you know the ones: be kind always, life begins at conception, etc.), but I dropped all of my religious attributes. 

I pretended for a long time that the emptiness I felt was just me adjusting to living a life without God.

But almost four years later I still feel empty.

My situation is complicated by the fact that I hallucinate, which I found out my first semester of college at the age of 18. I don't always know what's real and what's not, so I can't rely on physical feelings of "God is in the room" because I feel that regularly when I hallucinate and I have to believe that that feeling isn't real, for my safety and sanity.

When I was Catholic, I relied a lot on the physical aspect of "I feel Jesus's presence in the Eucharist" or in Confession or Adoration or just prayer.

As someone that hallucinates, I can't rely on that anymore.

As a Catholic, I heard God speak to me on several occasions. I can't rely on that anymore either because it could very well just be a hallucination.

One of the reasons I like going home to see my family is that I like going to Mass. When I first left the church, I hated it. I felt trapped and suffocated. But now, I desperately miss it. Mass brings this sense of calm and quiet relief. This feeling like I'm home. I want to go back to the church. But I don't know how. I feel utterly lost.

I'm still searching for a way to balance a life with God with my mental illness. This doesn't even get into some of my opinions that are against Catholic teachings that I would also have to come to terms with.

I'm still searching for a cure to the emptiness inside me. Maybe one day I'll find it. I hope one day I'll find it.

But for now, I'm still searching.