Searching: A Confession

I left the Catholic church when I was a senior in high school. I felt alone and empty, and having battled depression and hallucinations (although, at the time I didnt know I was hallucinating) since I was about 14, I was tired of the endless battle of one step forward, three steps back. I gave up on God and religion.

I remember driving home one day in October I think, crying in the driver's seat because I was so tired of feeling defeated. I finally just admitted that I'd had enough and cut off my struggling relationship with God.

I fell into a lifestyle that was still spiritual, but not religious. Once I went to college, I stopped going to Church. I still held the basic values I had grown up with (you know the ones: be kind always, life begins at conception, etc.), but I dropped all of my religious attributes. 

I pretended for a long time that the emptiness I felt was just me adjusting to living a life without God.

But almost four years later I still feel empty.

My situation is complicated by the fact that I hallucinate, which I found out my first semester of college at the age of 18. I don't always know what's real and what's not, so I can't rely on physical feelings of "God is in the room" because I feel that regularly when I hallucinate and I have to believe that that feeling isn't real, for my safety and sanity.

When I was Catholic, I relied a lot on the physical aspect of "I feel Jesus's presence in the Eucharist" or in Confession or Adoration or just prayer.

As someone that hallucinates, I can't rely on that anymore.

As a Catholic, I heard God speak to me on several occasions. I can't rely on that anymore either because it could very well just be a hallucination.

One of the reasons I like going home to see my family is that I like going to Mass. When I first left the church, I hated it. I felt trapped and suffocated. But now, I desperately miss it. Mass brings this sense of calm and quiet relief. This feeling like I'm home. I want to go back to the church. But I don't know how. I feel utterly lost.

I'm still searching for a way to balance a life with God with my mental illness. This doesn't even get into some of my opinions that are against Catholic teachings that I would also have to come to terms with.

I'm still searching for a cure to the emptiness inside me. Maybe one day I'll find it. I hope one day I'll find it.

But for now, I'm still searching.